Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

By Employees Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers

DAMASCUS- If peace ended up a penthouse, it will come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That's the vision behind Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical progress-slash-luxurious housing calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.

Indeed, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. And never the usual Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we are speaking Damascus, the city Traditionally recognized for historic lifestyle, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.

"It should be huge. Remarkable!" Trump declared via a leaked golfing cart Zoom get in touch with, streamed from your Placing eco-friendly within Mar-a-Lago's Scenario Bunker. "We have had attractive ceasefires in Syria. Many of the greatest. But now, we are creating them with balconies."

Welcome to the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour

The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca in the falafel stand-puzzled, majestic, and solely from put. Made by Slovenian firm Ivana & Sons, the tower characteristics:

A 3-flooring On line casino du Caliphate

The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation

A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Delighted Hour until the drone flies")

Plus a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely described as "deeply American."

Eyewitnesses documented combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten a long time for potable drinking water. But Of course, sure, let us have An additional spot the place American men can dress in robes and phone it diplomacy."

In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains in addition to a pillow menu, of course."

Ceasefire by Cabana

U.S. foreign plan analysts are contacting this quite possibly the most audacious peace endeavor considering the fact that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. When past negotiations failed below the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's plan is easier: offer you Absolutely everyone a suite on the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.

In line with documents posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal incorporates "luxury diplomacy":

Ceasefires brokered by towel boys

Poolside arbitration concerning rebel leaders

A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, finish with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.

"This is certainly delicate power," explained political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a deal along with a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO would not. Geopolitical gridlock wants much less diplomats and much more minibar updates."

Just what the Critics Are Screaming

International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, primarily into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Each and every device. The UN Particular Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination observed, "It's not that Trump shouldn't open a tower in the war zone. It is really that he really should stop working with it to lease ballroom space to mercenaries."

Joe Biden, when questioned concerning the task, replied, "You already know, person, I as soon as rode a camel in Beirut. Great folks. Good tan. In any case, do I even now have that ice product?"

In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a set for Trump Tower Damascus "upcoming proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred on the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility in the Levant."

Satellite Pictures Expose… Trumpface Landscaping

Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit disclosed that the resort's landscaping kinds a giant Trump head obvious from House, a attribute currently being marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is made out of refugee tents as well as the chin is… nicely, categorised.

Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits immediately after obtaining the creating's gold plating mirrored much daylight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and set fireplace to a local melon cart.

"It truly is not just unattractive. It's a war crime with curtains," claimed Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.

The Melania Wing and also other Perplexing Capabilities

Probably the strangest factor of your tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:

A silent atrium in which company could contemplate imprecise disappointment

A duplicate of her Slovenian bedroom, complete with local weather Management established to "distant"

A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Screen.

Area Syrians are Doubtful what to create of this. "Is she a ghost?" requested twelve-calendar year-aged Ahmad, pointing to some holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.

Promoting System: "If You Bomb It, They Will Come"

The advert marketing campaign, lately leaked via the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. 1 poster reads:

"Peace is Short-term. Luxurious is For good."

A different slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee shops:

"A Tower So Major, Even Assad Has to Notice."

General public reception is wildly divided. A new SnapPoll performed inside of a hookah lounge displays:

34% say "it might stabilize the region"

29% say "this could escalate regional kitsch"

18% reported "the place's the nearest elevator to your West Bank?"

Trader Praise: "Ultimately, a Disaster That Pays"

The task is already attracting awareness from Worldwide buyers, which includes:

A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights being a overseas minister

The Russian Guild of Oligarchs

And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who mentioned he'll invest in three penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."

According to a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial stage will also incorporate:

A Dollar Retailer of Geopolitical Alliances

A Theme Park Referred to as 'SanctionsLand'

And an Escape Area Based upon the Iraq War

Comment Segment Chaos

Over the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb write-up about the disclosing, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:

"Are not able to wait around to discover a marriage in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades in place of rice."

Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:

"At last, a hotel wherever my PTSD may have change-down services."

An additional write-up from @KuwaitiKardashian simply just asked:

"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"

Diplomatic Domino Result

U.S. officials worry the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real estate property Arms Race." Stories recommend:

China may open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad

Putin's daughter is planning a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk

And Elon Musk has allegedly presented to make a Tesla showroom around the Golan Heights powered by raw ambition and goat milk.

Even the Vatican has gotten involved. In line with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has available to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the very best floor "The Holy See-Amount Suite."

Last Thoughts from your Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™

Within a closing ceremony that included three camels, a flamethrower, as well as a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed above the speakers:

"Damascus required hope. It essential gold. It essential a waterslide shaped much like the Constitution. I gave it all three. You might be welcome."

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